…til someone loses consciousness…
Hej. My name is Maria and sometimes, well lots of times, I pass out, do a little shaky-shake on the floor then sleep for about 4 hours or till I feel normal.
It was in 2005, the middle of summer, during school, I pass out. Nothing too strange about that. It was hot, wearing 3 layers, (blame catholic all girl school uniforms) and I’ve fainted. A few weeks later, this happens again. A little more worrying but the GP reassures that it is because I’m a girl, hitting puberty and all that etc, blah, blah, blah.
Then one day, instead of just losing consciousness, collapsing and coming around feeling slightly weak and clammy, I have a fit. The class panics, the teacher does nothing more than open a window, someone runs to get another teacher and soon I am being carted off to A&E with oxygen and various wires on me.
Parents are obviously worried, Doctors not extremely helpful and I am feeling scared, confused and quite sick. After months and months of doctors, tests and numerous ‘attacks’ we have learnt a few things:
- I am not epileptic
- I am not diabetic
- I am not having panic attacks
- This is more than just a reaction to ‘hormones’
- My skull makes a great barrier between my brain and concrete stairs or floors.
I worked out very quickly how to cope with these attacks, my friends learnt to deal with them and look after me (which isn’t something I am always comfortable with). When I tell people about them or people see my fit for the first time, everyone seems so shocked at how easy I’ve incorporated these fits in to my lifestyle. They are a part of who I am. I’ve missed days of school, gigs, parties, birthdays, days of my life, events that I wish I could go back and do again, see again. But then, it does not do one well to dwell on things of the past.
2013, I am still fitting and struggling to keep up with university but there is some hope. Sheffield just happens to be the home of a Doctor who happens to be a specialist in Non-Epileptic Attack Disorders (NEAD). I have an appointment later this week with this, hopefully, magical man who will cure me. Not that I’m getting my hopes up, but this will be the most progress I’ve had in in about 18 months. So fingers crossed.
Living with fits has been difficult, and as much as I hate them, I can’t seem to remember life without them.
Peace and Love,